Married to program

Often as a food addict in recovery I come across foods that look tantalizing. Smell intoxicating.

I was thinking about this phenomenon in respect to my marriage. It's a fact of life that there are women who are not my wife who might be very beautiful and attractive. However, they are not my wife. So, while I can appreciate another woman's beauty, she's still off limits to me. 

So too with food. Foods that I can't have might look great. I might remember them tasting amazing. But, if it's not my food, it's not my food. And getting involved with those foods leads me down a bad and unhealthy path.

Why Coffee Proves I am an Addict

In the program I'm working for my food addiction, coffee is "free" as long as it doesn't have creamer or real sugar in it. However, I wanted to give up more addictive substances than just food so for a year and a half I had been completely caffeine free. Like, 100%. Well, when I decided that I was ready to start drinking beverages with caffeine again I had a quandary on my hands. How much was ok for me to have? What was "too much"? 1 cup a day? Week? Only on weekdays? Only if I'm really tired? How tired is too tired?

The addict brain in me has no concept of how to moderate things. I know for a fact that if I were to stop following the strict guidelines of my food program (weigh each meal on a scale and let the scale and my sponsor tell me how much is enough) I would be so lost. How much is a normal amount of pizza? What about fries? Soda? Where does it end? I can tell you where it ends. It ends with me gaining back the 90 pounds I shed over 5 years ago and haven't had to put back on again, one day at a time.

I'm so glad that I do have a program and a sponsor to rely on and to suggest to me what I should do. When the decision is taken out of my hands I can just put the food on the scale and let G-d handle the rest.

Dear Friends, I Have a Food Addiction

I used to weigh well over 200 pounds. I did some pretty crazy things with food and was overall an unhealthy person. I was pretty miserable with myself. Even though I put on a pretty good show for the world to see, I was not a happy person most of the time.

Five years ago, on May 1, 2008, I began the long journey towards a better life. I joined a 12 step program called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA). I found a sponsor who had long term success losing weight and keeping it off and asked him how he achieved it. He gave me a food plan which included giving up flour and sugar 100%.

Since that day it's been quite a ride. My life has gotten better in almost every aspect. I met and married, I have kids now. I got my first professional job and have built up a bit of a resume and have a great job now. Oh yeah, and I lost and have kept off close to 90 pounds.

I will definitely not go so far as to say my life is perfect. A great saying I've heard is "Life sucks better sober", meaning life is still going to suck sometimes, but it'll suck less than if I'm wallowing in active addiction. One thing I can say is that I no longer let external things affect how I eat. Now, no matter what emotion I'm feeling, no matter where in the world I am traveling, my food stays exactly the same. Life has taken me to Israel and New York, the births of my two children, the divorce of my parents and my wedding (not in that order). As a matter of fact, if you were a guest at my wedding and had the dinner, you had an FA safe meal (you just didn't know it).

Today marks half a decade since I began this journey. I am the happiest I've been since my earliest memories; I am in the best physical shape I've been in my entire life; I'm the most fiscally responsible I've ever been in my life; I have a wonderful wife and family. You may look at my food and wonder why I "eat that way". To that I'll just say "I eat this way because I want all of this." Who I am today is in no small part attributed to the way I eat and through working the twelve steps.

I don't often share this aspect of my life. I feel that it's important to let others know that if they are in a similar situation that there is hope. And, if for nothing else, the more people who know of my addiction means the more people I am accountable to. I cannot do this alone. I have the strong support of my fellows in the program and the support of my family and friends is important too.

Have a blessed day!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.